A Reminder to Self

30 Jun

Six months ago when I started blogging, I did so as a means of record keeping–for myself mainly. I wanted a visual reminder of how my days were. A reminder of where I had been and where I am going. The process has become absolutely so much more than I would ever have anticipated. Both in terms of clarifying issues for myself, and as a means of “getting over myself.” Initially I fretted that I was putting too much out there. That I was “exposing” too much of myself. Making myself too vulnerable. To what? Good question. And to which I now respond, “So what?” Maybe I’ve swung too far in the opposite direction. But I figure, no one has to read this but me. And so, for today, still processing the recent turn of events in my life. With a steely commitment to authentic voice.

When it all started “going down” I wasn’t thinking ahead. Didn’t wonder how things would be afterwards…. Simply too focused on just dealing/coping with what was right there. Determined to make the right choices with kindness, harmony and yes, we did arrive at consensus. We succeeded at those. The harmony may be a bit off key. But now is the time of “how things would be afterwards.” And the things I’m seeing about myself are not pretty. The awareness of having squashed authentic self. Self’s voice. Self’s truth. It seems like a dreadful thing to do, in hindsight, and we (crone and I) are looking at this. How did that serve us? Good question.

And I NEVER pay attention to horoscopes in the local events magazine, but this one got my attention. “‘The only thing we learn from history,’said German philosopher Georg Hegel, ‘is that we never learn anything from history.’ I’m urging you to refute that statement in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. I’m pleading with you to search your memory for every possible clue that might help you be brilliant in dealing with your immediate future. What have you done in the past that you shouldn’t do now? What haven’t you done in the past that you should do now?”

And all fingers seem to be pointing back to one thing–that for the sake of peace/harmony/conflict avoidance–I simply stepped out of the game. Out of myself. Into some vacuum of numbed existence. And to say I’m appalled is to put it mildly. I’m pissed. off. at. myself. Even though I understand. And the funny thing is, the voice that I feared had developed laryngitis? The silenced voice? It’s roaring in my ears.  As in “Woman. Listen to her roar.”

Other thoughts arising as well.  Thoughts requiring action. The decision to do more than “think” about selling my work. To stop whining around because I can’t figure out how to price it. To stop denigrating by off-the-cuff comments like, “Well, you know, I just sew scraps of fabric together.” To stop taking the work personally in a sense, because really, I have NO idea where it comes from. It just seems to happen. On its own. And that point of view helps me get closer to being able to price the cloth because little me is out of the picture.  And so because my monthly income has been reduced by half–and it wasn’t so great to begin with–I’m putting this out to the universe.

So, spent the weekend getting  pieces ready to show to an interested person on Tuesday. And I’m going to present the cloths with the love I feel for them. Not apologetically. Not diminishing or enhancing them in any way. Just as they are. What they say. How they came to be. And we will see.

Meanwhile,  with the help of garden, family, friends and the sense of some ineffable support I’m just going as Jude would say.  Metaphorically my tread feels lighter–there’s more of a spring to the step–and here is what my day encompassed:

I asked the website “Mr. Smarty” why all of my zucchini blossoms were male.  The answer.  Male blossoms open up first.  I’ve got tons of male blossoms, and only a few female.  This isn’t really so bad.  Maybe this year I won’t be overwhelmed with this vegetable.  And now I know how to cross pollinate them if necessary.

zuchinni and shovel

 

French green beans–the long skinny ones–coming on strong.  There’s one about dead center and then a few little ones to the left.  And look what else I see.  Do you see it?  The greyish/brown shining thing?  Baby slug.  But my battle with them is over. The plants are strong enough now to take care of themselves.
greenbeans

and the brussels sprouts are making, in the crotch of the leaf stem. Great design.brussels sprouts

cucumbers–the kind where the skin is so thin you eat the entire thing–and they were an accident–what I wanted but couldn’t find. These were packagedcucumbers
as a conventional cucumber–and for years my cukes have been bitter but every year I try again–so not only do I have sweet cukes this year, but they feel like a gift. A magic offering of sorts, and that’s just how I’m going to understand what seemed like a mistake but isn’t.

Angels of the Desert hollyhocks from Grace:grace's hollyhocks

two of the three rows of indigo I have growing. I think I mentioned before–the little plants I started got into the ground late. Weather got too cold right when I was going to transplant them. And I could have planted them much deeper but I didn’t think that far ahead. Not they’re pretty branchy. But thick even still. In a few weeks I’m going to harvest my first cutting. And between now and then I HAVE to figure out how to process the plants without the use of nasty chemicals. There’s a fermentation process I think. No experience with it. But I have a few weeks.

indigo

and an experiment with brewing a dye liquid using flowers from my neighbors garden–magnificent purple day lilies.dye with lilies

And finally, with a nod to Mo Crow, here is an image I love. Taken at the native American museum in Buxton, NC while we were on the Outer Banks. The tear rips at my heart but I love the picture, love the image, and if I could figure it all out, this is how the world would see me. Right now. For as long as I wanted.indian museum

17 Responses to “A Reminder to Self”

  1. elizabeth eve June 30, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

    It doesn’t matter how long it takes us to find our true voice – our true selves – it only matters that we do. And you are finding your’s – in a way full of grace and vivid colors. You’re already there. love you – ee

    • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

      i am blessed to have you and Katherine in my life. so very blessed!

  2. Nancy Dasenbrock June 30, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    This is the best post!!! You tell it so well. Haven’t we all been there? And learning from the past… Well it’s a nice idea, but…. I think we learn in the moment and not sometime in the future when we second guess. I recently made a little quilt that said this is the breath that counts. You ( we) have everything you need inside of you just waiting for acknowledgement . You are doing so well by the sounds of this post. Thanks for being courageous. It helps the rest of us too!

    • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

      i agree. we learn in the moment. is there any other point in time than that?! but i’m finding it interesting, in this moment, to notice things from the past that I know i don’t want to live with now–or later. thank you for your encouragement and reminder that we come fully equipped with everything we need. thank you so very very much!

  3. karmadondruplhamo, (grace) June 30, 2013 at 10:07 pm #

    so. look at these gardens. the garden of your earth, the garden of your Self. blooming,
    giving life.

    and another so…you too are sagittarius? wouldn’t you (i) know.
    love,

    • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

      and you too? fellow sag? i would love it if it were so–but know i love whatever it is you are, regardless.

  4. Nancy June 30, 2013 at 10:21 pm #

    So many ways to grow. I always need to remind myself of the cyclical nature of things…especially of ‘us’. I tend to want to arrive and then go forward less confused. Of course that hasn’t happened yet! I remind myself to learn and move on. Thank you for this post.
    Your garden is beautiful And productive…wonderful 🙂

    • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

      Nancy, i so appreciate your comments here. so very much. and what you say, your words, add clarity to my own thoughts. thank you

  5. Anonymous June 30, 2013 at 10:23 pm #

    An awakening on so many levels. . . .

    • Mo Crow June 30, 2013 at 10:42 pm #

      this is a really good deep post about embracing the crow(n)e that we become after the second Saturn Return
      here is what an old astrologer friend Steve Jolley (RIP) wrote awhile back for another friend
      “The Saturn return cycle is a marker of the different ages of life. Our first 28 years is living out karma from past lives, and is symbolised by our domination by parental values. We are adjusting to the world (and the world to us!) without necessarily having our own individual frame of reference.
      The second cycle, from 29 to around sixty, is our time of life achievement, where, normally, we create the karma for this life. This is when we stand independent and make our own way. It’s a time of action.
      The third cycle is one of reflection and dissemination. Our time for action is largely over and we are preparing ourselves for for moving on. This is the “elder” period of our lives, where the wisdom we have accumulated is available to the tribe, where we can pass on the benefits of our successes and our mistakes.
      Saturn has the reputation of being a hard planet, a malefic as the old astrologers called it. In large measure this is a reaction of fear. Certainly it represents limitations, obstacles and challenges. But it also represents form and structure, the skeletal framework by which we are able to survive on the material plane. The return period is difficult because it requires us to change structures, to abandon outworn habits and begin a new alignment to the world. Just how difficult this is depends on the individual.
      Saturn is also symbolic of age. This is because, in earlier times, many did not even make the first Saturn return, let alone the second. It coincides with the cycles of human achievement, but also of life and death. It is a reminder of our mortality. As we age, we gain experience and, hopefully, the ability to deal with difficulty more easily. It’s for this reason that the second Saturn return is reputed to be “easier”. It’s not the planet’s energy at work here, but our own experience giving us a helping hand.
      Similarly, the difficulty or otherwise of a Saturn return depends very much on the chart of the individual, and, probably more on how each of us handles change. Saturn demands acceptance of its conditions and will erode and undermine any structures we have created which do not serve the ultimate purpose of growth and awareness, or which are built on shaky foundations. If we cut corners, it’s a fair bet that when Saturn comes along this is where the problems will lie.
      It’s no surprise that your friend felt lonely and depressed at this time. This is Saturn’s form. He is forcing her to evaluate what is really important in her life. This is a time of trial which, when it’s over, will have made her stronger and more self-reliant, ready, in fact, to take on elder status. That’s really something to look forward to. No growth happens without accompanying discomfort…”

      • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

        this is the best explanation of Saturn return that i’ve ever seen. i thank you from my heart for spelling it out like this. and you are right, this surely is something to look forward to. thanks MO

      • Nancy Dasenbrock July 1, 2013 at 3:39 am #

        Thank you for this explanation… Very timely for me having just finished my solar return. I agree with patricia, this is an excellent description!

    • Anonymous June 30, 2013 at 10:50 pm #
    • Patricia June 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

      yes. and the level of levels seems infinite

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